Curation  /  Anti-Library  /  Search Inside Yourself: The Unexpected Path to Achieving Success, Happiness

I was recommended this back when I joined DevBootcamp.

The following are some notes that are influenced by his work about EI. I might spin this off into its own blog post if anyone is interested.

• What is emotional intelligence (EI)?

  • self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy and social skills

• Why is EI important? - IQ < EQ for great engineers at Google - EQ vs. IQ as Predictor: Study in the UK for babies for success - Happier people

• EQ is trainable (see study in Oakland elementary schools, fixed vs. growth mindset)

• Neuroplasticity - What we pay attention to changes our brain

  • e.g. London Cabbies, Hippocampus
  • More we learn to pay attention to us, to others empathetically, we can train ourself

• Approach EQ: Competencies and skills vs. behavior

  • NOT behavior (how to play nice to each other)
  • More about developing competencies - ability to regulate emotions (raising awareness)

Competencies: Awareness, Empathy, and Intuition

• Awareness: Paying attention to the emotional and physical body

Emotion is a basic physiological state characterized by identifiable autonomic or bodily changes. — Dr. Laura Delizonna

• Awareness: Develop a high resolution awareness of emotions as they arise. Own our emotions instead of them owning us.

• Empathy: Develop a high resolution awareness of emotion in others as they arise

• Empathy: Leadership as inspiration, empowerment, and compassion

  • Navy officers, best ones are empathetic
  • Exchanging leadership, leadership is interactive, not a role or position
  • Know the difference between an Ask and a Need, e.g. jackets in an office, paired programming stuck

• Intuition:

  • Idaho study card game - conscious awareness ~80 turns, hunch 45 turns, intuition 10 turns (see Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, snap judgements)

Feedback

• Why Feedback?
  • Learning = soliciting, receiving, and integrating feedback
  • Toddlers learn by immediate feedback, get a sense of their surroundings
  • (see Validated Learning in “The Lean Startup”)
• Feedback Loops
  • Polar Bear & Gas Station
  • Minute and Time & burgers
  • Most feedback loops are too slow (cancer, diabetes, health issues)
• Feedback Ninjas
  • People LOVE getting feedback from me
  • People LOVE giving me feedback
  • I LOVE getting feedback from people

Feedback: Four Distinct Skills

- Soliciting Feedback - Receiving Feedback - Giving Feedback - Integrating Feedback

• Soliciting Feedback - NVC: Request vs. Demand 

  • (e.g. relationships), when saying no elicits a response, that’s a demand

• Receiving Feedback

  • The Compass of Shame (withdrawal, attack self, avoidance, attach other)
    • Withdrawal - isolate yourself, run away
    • Avoidance - substitute something else for feeling shame (escape, esp. subbing work)
    • Attack Self - take the shame, blow it out of proportion
    • Attack Other - blames others, most socially unacceptable one
      • (See Brene Brown, Power of Vulnerability)
      • Home Strategy: don’t compound the impulse. Notice it. And choose to not give into it. (See Power of Now, Mindfullness)

• Giving Feedback: Actionable, Specific, Kind (ASK)

  • Actionable - Something that I can do something about (something I have control over)
  • Specific - “Good job” vs “Slowed down and I could understand more clearly” (useful feedback)
  • Kind - kind is not nice, truth is kind, terrible dancer vs. stepping on toes, direct impact (objective) vs. what it means about you (subjective) 

• Don’ts of Giving Feedback

  • Don’t give advice, unless asked (See Mindfulness, I have/had this issue.)
    • Different than pointing out a problem
    • Disrupts feedback loop
  • Don’t do shit sandwich
    • Shit Sandwich: Two nice things around one shit thing
      • Dilutes meaning of feedback
  • Don’t rate or compare
    • Compare one human to another, tempting, but avoid this

• Barriers to giving feedback

  • Fear of conflict - 80% is better than nothing
    • Not speaking that extra 20% can lead to miscommunication down the road, and you can do that forever in your life and take the avoidance or withdrawal strategy (not advisable)
    • Mistrusting our seeing (See: WYSIWYG, Snap Judgment)
    • Our seeing doesn’t matter (See: WYSIWYG, Fonzie’s idea of talking to other people)
  • Your voice matters

• Integrating Feedback 

  • Make it useful for you
  • Impact of you and teaches you what to change (but not hearsay, not 100% truth, but don’t pass it off)